now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
True strength comes from lack of pants
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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