I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
