wrigley field is MILF paradise
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
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