Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
