I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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