put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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