my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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