I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
