So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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