I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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