Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize