new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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