not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
