Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Randomize
