I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
