I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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