Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
