just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
sarcasm needs its own font
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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