I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
