He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
