I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
