I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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