i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
