i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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