Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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