Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
