i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
