your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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