I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
