fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
