I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
