Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
