I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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