I cannot find my penis.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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