My sheets look like a crime scene.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
