So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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