well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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