U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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