I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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