i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
