I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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