I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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