i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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