I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
