Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
