You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
the night ended with taco bell and tears
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
