god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
