He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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