see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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