The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
