I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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