I think I won the penis lottery.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
