accomplished twins. life is a go
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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