At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize