She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
