The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
