omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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